Christian Marriage Part 2: Effective Communication In Marriage

Today we live in a sound-bite generation where the most common forms of communication are text messaging, instant messaging and email. The "art of communication" is thought of as effectively making a sale, getting to know someone you just met or relating to other employees at work. When it comes to communicating our feelings in more significant relationships we are not very effective. Many people get married today without understanding the importance of effective communication in marriage. If you are single and planning to get married, attending a free premarital counseling class at your church will teach you the basics of effective communication which, when diligently practiced, will create the potential for a healthy, happy marriage for a lifetime.

In marriage, men and women have different ways of handling conflict. Women usually try to find a solution through conflict while men usually try to avoid it. Proverbs 18:21NLT says “ The tongue has the power of life and death and those who love to talk will have to eat their own words.” Women tend to be better talkers than men and can easily dominate a conversation to the point that it becomes a one way dialogue. If the dialogue is delivered in a critical manner, men often make the mistake of stonewalling and avoiding the confrontation.

Woman usually become critical when they don’t feel loved and men usually shut down when they don’t feel respected. At this point communication becomes fractured and neither party understands the others point of view. Both the husband and wife continue with this behavior believing somehow the other party will eventually get the message they are sending and change. Unfortunately, it never happens.

This is what is known as the crazy cycle. It is cycle that will not end until both parties become aware of how their communication is hurting the other person and choose to learn how to communicate with each other in a loving manner. Hurting words come when we are focused on what we want rather than the needs of our mate. When we are selfish it is easy to complain about the faults in our spouse and magnify them to the point that we feel contempt for them. If you feel that all the problems in your marriage are the fault of your spouse you may need to reexamine your own heart to see if you spend most of your time thinking about what you want out of the marriage.

Many people today believe that if they have lots in common with their spouse, they will avoid conflict and have a happy, intimate relationship. The truth is that overcoming conflict in marriage through effective communication and actions is the only way to achieve intimacy in marriage. Conflicts come because of a lack of effective communication resulting in the inability to meet one another’s needs. Overcoming conflicts means that effective communication is taking place which leads to needs being met. The result is greater friendship and intimacy.

Habitual avoidance of conflict is the number one predictor of divorce. When conflicts arise, truths about one another’s short comings often occur. Speaking these truths in a non-critical loving manner is the first step to effective communication. Ephesians 4:15NKV says we must be “...speaking the truth in love...” to one another. Disagreeing isn’t wrong, but how we disagree can be if it involves tearing down instead of lifting up. It is more important to say what our spouse needs to here rather than what we think they need to here. Ephesians 4:29 says “ ...do not say harmful things, but say what people need...” There are approximately ten areas that men and women never resolve. In these instances we need to “agree to disagree” and learn to manage and live around them.

What is true compatibility. Many believe it has to do with having similar interests but it really has more to do with having similar attitudes and values. It is important to understand that men and woman are wired differently. Woman communicate for expression and men for solutions. If you are a married man, you may have attempted to try to find a solution to a problem your wife told you she was encountering. When you shared your solution with her, you were shocked to discovered that she rejected your solution and gave you a look of disappointment.

When woman share their problems with their husband they are not looking for a solution to their problem but rather a sympathetic ear. Likewise, a woman may be surprised to see her husband shutdown after giving him some “constructive criticism” for the purpose of helping him improve in a certain area. What she didn’t realize is that the message that her husband received told him that she did not respect him.

There are several ways to effectively communicate love to your spouse. Speak encouraging words by pointing out specific behaviors or qualities that you admire or appreciate, pray for them and with them, thanks them for specific acts they have performed or qualities they possess and believe in them. The most effective way for a wife to show her husband she respects him and for a husband to show his wife he loves her is to forgive wrongs committed and to know each other's love language. To learn more about how to build and maintain a healthy marriage click on the following links: